It’s mornings like today’s that make me think that life hates me. Well, not only that it hates me but that it likes to play tricks on me like how Santa’s elves slowly inject pig fat into his stomach whilst he sleeps.

This morning I woke up insanely early and was able to, in a relaxed manner, get ready at my own pace. It was actually really nice. I was able to watch TV for a bit, grab an insanely long shower and actually wake up before I left the house.

Everything was fine.

Everything was awesome.

Or so I thought…

…until I realized I couldn’t find my house keys.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been re-organising my room, throwing out all sorts of junk from papers I don’t need to bags and bags of old clothes, etc. So now, my room is really tidy and has about half the things in that it used to (and yet it still looks pretty full) but the main point is that it’s tidy and if my keys were around, then it would be obvious where they were.

Dave came over last night to catch up on some TV shows that he was missing out on and I remember going downstairs and locking the front door after he left. From that point on, I’m pretty sure that I went straight upstairs and into bed.

I checked my bed. I checked under my bed, the sides of my bed, my desk, my shelves, my chair, everywhere! I checked the bathroom sink, the toilet, literally everywhere. Apart from, of course, the one room that I never go in; the sitting room!

How the hell my keys made it in there is beyond me? I’ve previously mentioned how my subconscious manages to hide my keys in different places but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve somehow managed to start sleepwalking.

Think about it. My subconscious is one twisted son-of-a-bitch. I’m sure you’ve read the weird dreams I’ve been having lately. Why wouldn’t my subconscious want to go one-step further to piss me off?

I can imagine it now. My subconscious thinks “I know what I’ll do, I’ll wake him up really early so that he thinks he’s got plenty of time before he goes to work, but what he doesn’t know is that I’ve hidden the keys in the sitting room downstairs and he’ll never find them - so he’ll be locked inside his own home with no means of escape muahahahahahaha”.

Evil, evil….

Oh, but it gets worse! After finding my keys I was late enough as it was. I finally managed to escape from my house only to find that there was a huge mountain of snow and ice on my windscreen, and my ice-scraper was no-where to be found. After a while of searching in the garage I was able to find it and got to work scraping away.

I showed up to work, late, and sat down at my desk and proceeded to get on with work.

However, I forgot to go photograph some students (for the second time in a row) to make a poster of them - the only opportunity I have to do so being during morning registration. Later on I went to help the head and on my way back I walked into my office, only to remember that it was no longer my office and that I had in fact been moved to a different one months earlier!

I then choked on my chicken curry at lunchtime and couldn’t find a cup anywhere to grab a drink. One thing I don’t understand though is that every time I’ve been choking, no-one reacts straight away. People only seem to think you might by choking. So instead of getting you a drink, or helping you in any other way whilst your face turns purple and while you struggle breathing and whilst you’re also hitting your stomach trying to dislodge the food trapped in your windpipe - people seem to think that that’s an appropriate time to ask you if you’re choking or not.

Do they expect me to be able to answer? Am I somehow supposed to be able to say in a posh voice “Yes, it does appear as though I’m choking a lot, and it’s a funny thing that you mention it actually as I’m afraid that I do happen to be choking and could very well pop my clogs any moment now as I begin to run out of breathable air. But thank you awfully for noticing, that’s very kind of you.”

Personally, I would say no.

People always ask it though. But actually, this time was slightly different. I think they’re getting fed up of me forgetting to chew and therefore ending up choking as one of the dinner ladies said “You’re not choking again are you?”. It was still a question I was unable to answer. She then told me to choke quietly - something I thought that, without being able to breathe, is exactly what I was doing?!? Maybe my subconscious was busy making noises behind my back?

Thankfully one of the other dinner ladies gave me a plastic cup so that I could get a drink of water and wahey - the dead chicken’s attempt to kill me was foiled.

I think that would be a pain in the neck if the ghosts of animals that you were eating tried to kill you for eating them. Chickens can obviously cause you to choke by lodging themselves down your throat. Then you have cows - that’s gonna leave a mark. And don’t get me started on how bad it’ll be when you eat squid…

Another thing I’ve never understood is vegetarians. I don’t mean to offend anyone who’s a vegetarian - I have a few good friends who are vegetarian, it’s just that as I understand it, vegetarians don’t like how animals are killed and then eaten by humans. But I have just one question…

What about the plants?

I believe that plants are treated far far worse. More of them are grown and culled as food. They’re cut up into little bits. Their babies (seeds, fruits, etc) are often ripped from them without any consideration. People often fondle them to see whether they’re ripe or not (if they were animals that would be counted as beastiality and if they were people then they’d be accused of sexual harassment). Talking of sex, they have a really raw deal as they’re only able to have sex with themselves. Sure, it means that they can enjoy it whenever they want but it’s still a lonely, unfulfilling sex life.

People tend to have plants as a side order to their main meal. As a result of vegetarianism, it means that they eat far more plants and I think that’s just wrong and cruel. Not only because they’re eating more plants, but because that means that there are far less plants for animals to eat, which results in them starving and eventually dying.

So whilst you think you might be saving animals by not eating them, actually more are dying. Plus it also encourages people to do the whole “For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three” schemes.

And who knows? Maybe my subconscious has already started doing just that….

So remember kids - Say “No” to a veggie and give them a wedgie!

If you haven’t read Dave’s latest post yet then you should do - as he’s planning on writing the concluding part to his tragic tale. That is, if he has the energy.

Dave’s getting shattered from his new job. Since starting, he’s only been able to come up with one single insult a night towards me. He simply just does not have the energy to come up with any more.

As far as I can tell, this new job basically entails him trying to sell some kind of machine that deals with compost. After he’s done that, he’s sent home to do research so that he can understand the legislation and everything else about it.

And they’ve given him a free work laptop. It comes complete with biometric security in the form of a thumbprint scanner and he’s named it “Whore”.

I asked him if I could add that to the computer name dialog but he said “no”. For some reason he doesn’t think it would be funny for people at work to find a ‘Whore’ on the network.

Now he forbids me to go near it. I think he’s close to applying for a restraining order so that I can’t come within a certain radius of it.

Which is a shame.

Although in some respects I suppose it’s good that he’s not sharing his whore about…

…first and second of all, I’ve never been on one or even get involved with the cops…because of someone else……without my lawyer present….or that no animals were involved….getting lost????? Me too!!! Guess what I’ll do for you, ill start at the beginning.

As you know, i use to be a slut. The keywords i want you to look at is “use to be”, but after this story i don’t think you will be thinking of me in the same way as you use to (strangely or with gay intentions).

I started this new job, advertising, you know when you get a call on your mobile (withheld number) and there this really happy person on the phone who wants to rape you for all the money your worth. Well that was my job, and I’m pretty sure i hated it. But, there was a great advantage to working there, women. Now, I’m not even that low to go out with women (colleagues) from work and try to nail them……………………….(oh come on)………………………….(i thought you knew me)………….but i did try anyway, against character, i swear.

I first started with this very nice girl, (label her “Short Snorts”), we went out every lunch time and had coffee. Innocent, nice. Then we had a couple of nights out, had drinks, no sex. It went really well until, she left the company.

Bummer.

So, i sucked it up and started on this new girl ( I’m going to name her “Bouncing Barbie”). “Bouncing Barbie” was engaged, but she was only with him for 2 months. And to be fair, she started it with me. Now ladies reading this or do read Al’s entries daily, you think this is pretty low and typical of a male to do this, but i said no, not until she had made her decision between her fiancé and me…..she dumped him 2 weeks later and was now with me. Great, Dave has a girlfriend………………..yeahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Relationships, especially fresh ones, always have the ghost of past ventures knocking at the door, no matter how many times you try to shake them. I know this situation I’m about to describe to you is all my fault but, i mean come on….i might as well been sleeping with Saddam when they lifted that rock up and found him in that hole… that is how bad it was.

In a nutshell, I organised a leaving party for myself from the advertising company i was currently working at (told you i hated that fucking job). I invited everyone from work to come, including some past employees to…you know…say good-bye. Well, i might of invite “Shorts Snorts” and just let a past girlfriend (who happened to live close to my leaving do location). Now i didn’t except them to show up, or i didn’t have a real grip on whatever or not me and “Bouncing Barbie” would actually happen.

So, i get to the pub, couple of friends, drinking shots, chilling out, talking about how one of my past colleague was getting her non-surgal ass transformation next week. Well, the first to show up was my now girlfriend “Bouncing Barbie”, and she was wasted…she’s not much of a drinker. Barbie and me had both decided not to be all coupley that night, just have a relaxing night with drink and mates. Around half way through it, when i was feeling wavey, i looked up and “Short Snorts” is standing right there in the doorway….and she was looking for me.

I’m like “Ok man stay cool, shes not here for you, shes here for everyone else and to say hello… that’s it…we’re friends that’s all….god help me”. So sliding away from “Bouncing Barbie” i went up to “Snorts” and gave her a hug and asked how she was. She said she was good and she was here for me……this is where i tried to pulled out my gun and top myself really.

To tell you the truth, I never stopped liking “Short Snorts”, but she left and we hadnt had much contact since, and i did and do like “Bouncing Barbie”…still… and don’t you dare tell me that women haven’t done this because guys and girls are more the same then anyway likes to admit…just name one thing a girl has been through in a relationship or finding one that a guy hasn’t been threw???

Anyhoo, i was stuck there, again i admit it, it was my fault, i was suck between wasted present girlfriend and now getting drunk girl who just came to take me home with her. I have changed and did something that still feels very weird with me, i explained to “Short Snorts” that i couldn’t see her because i was with “Bouncing Barbie”, she wasn’t happy but my other colleagues had already told her to stick around and keep trying. Great…. and “Bouncing Barbie” was getting very upset that “Short Snorts” was taking up all my time, to a point of crying, alot.

You know when god throws you alot of curve balls to teach you something… well i must of dry humped god’s wife or something, because the next person to walk through the door was my ex-girlfriend, we didn’t break up all that well and she thinks shes black, but shes not, shes white. You know, listens to alot of rap and blues, looks at the mirror and wants a bigger ass kind of thing.

So I’m stuck there now, with my present and presently wasted girlfriend (”Bouncing Barbie”), wasted old flame (”Short Snorts”), and my “racial confused ex-girlfriend”…..you know what kids, what happens next is going to be an entry and a story for next time… so if you want to know what happens to your ex pervert writer then please, give me a post on to what you think happens. Good night ya all!!!!

Shortly after getting into work today, my supervisor received an email from some biking association saying that she’d been on a bike ride with them 4 years previously and were wanting permission to use her picture in their new brochure.

Her picture took up the entire front cover.

And she looks fat.

Which kinda helped her to fill up the front cover.

She’s not actually fat these days, but the angle, plus whatever she was wearing at the time is what accounts for the slight increase in fat that seems apparent. I don’t know if she was fat then or not, but meh. It’s got to be embarassing.

There’s been a few things happening in the news lately (isn’t there always?) I’m not talking the usual news you read about on the front cover or hear about on the TV, I’m talking about the news that you only get to read about a few pages into the tabloids.

For instance, how about this curiosity from last weeks Friday edition of ‘The Sun’?

I HAVE SEX WITH CARS
Weirdo’s seduced 2 boats and a jetski too

There’s a mechanic called Chris Donald who loves his work - mainly because he has sex with cars. I am not making this up. He prefers the curvatious bodywork of a car over that of women. He’s had sex with more than 30 different models in 20 years, plus the two motorboats and his friend’s jetski mentioned in the headline. How he managed to “seduce” though them is beyond me…

He even has his own website where apparently there’ve been hundreds of other people with the same kinda interest - and 20 of those visitors have even given their cars to him for a “service”, often pleasuring themselves whilst he works on their car.

His garage is even kitted out for it - it’s heated with a carpeted floor. I daren’t imagine the friction burns he must get when working on the exhaust…

However, this guy does say “It’s all about imagination and creativity. There’s more to car love than exhaust pipes. Stroking the body panels and delicate touching makes excellent foreplay.”

What’s worse is that he brags about having exhausts custom made for one car because they were too small. “I had them widened and rounded. The firm never asked why - but I loved the view while she was up on the ramp and they were working on her”.

The emphasis is really on the “her” aspect. True, I name a lot of things I’ve had - such as my computers and my cars. But I don’t have sex with them.

There’s a great bit on the page opposite which shows a photographic selection of some of his “lovers”. Most of them have names such as ‘Laura’ or ‘Charlotte’ or ‘Lydia’ - he’s even had a threesome with a pair of Toyota MR2s called Jennie & Sadie. I love how he even had “tender moments” with a Pontiac called Amy.

But the best bit is what it says at the bottom;

Chris gives names to his favourite lovers. Others were just cars in the night.”

Of those one-night-stands, he loved the bodywork of a BMW 635i, broke the heart of a Mitsubishi and had exhausting sessions with an Audi TT.

Chris says “I love all aspects of cars. Some people even like to taste mechanical fluids, but that’s going too far.”

Personally, if I found him sexualy assaulting my car I’d have considered that going too far.

He’s currenlty in a long-term relationship and has explained his fetish to partners in the past (both male and female) and so far only one woman has been jealous.

Chris believes one spark for his fetish was 1980s cult TV series Knight Rider, starring David Hasselhof and featuring a talking car.
He said: “When I was a young boy I used to see human qualities in cars. As I grew up I noticed I was having feelings towards cars and they began catching my eye in a certain way.”

I really hope he didn’t violate Herby.

In all fairness it is a recognised psychological condition that he’s suffering from - and a specialist in human sexual behaviour says that it’s not surprising considering how cars are sexualised in modern advertising.

Maybe it’s a good thing that Apple stopped doing adverts about how sexy their computers looked and instead went for the PC & Mac ads. The last thing we want is people joining the mile-high club with their MacBook Pro or turning up to hospital complaining about frying their genitals whilst passionately yet vigerously sexually assaulting the firewire port on their iMac.

Chris apparently writes stories about “auto-eroticism” on his website and has penned a manual called ‘How to Make Love to a Car’.

This of course, comes from the same paper that in 1993 revealed that electritian Karl Watkins was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch. This latest issue though about the car mechanic also contained “More filthy pictures of horny little beasts” in a pull-out magazine about cars entitled ‘Motors’. So he basically manages to make it into a national newspaper and gets a free porn magazine out of it. Go figure.

There’s been another car-related story in this same paper about some stupid cops stopping a hearse carrying a grieving couple and the coffin of their premature baby for travelling too SLOWLY. The cop then went on to grill the driver for a few minutes even after the grieving parents and tiny casket had been pointed out to him. Fortunately he’s now under investigation by his police force in Kent. Stupid idiot.

A friend of mine recently pointed out that the British military’s Skynet 5A satellite has been launched into space from Kourou in French Guiana. More so, he pointed out how suicidle it was to name a defence satellite network “Skynet” - doesn’t the Government ever learn?

I think I just answered my own question there…

I wonder if lemmings would ever learn? Obviously there’s the whole, if one lemming jumps off a cliff then all the other lemmings will follow and plummet to their death also, thing. So, obviously not. Then again, it could have its uses, for instance - I personally don’t think that the US should have sent people into war in Iraq - they should have sent lemmings instead.

Think about it - train one lemming to do the dirty work and the others will follow. I’m not condoning the war in Iraq by any means but I think it would have been a far more sensible idea.

Generally speaking though, as long as lemmings don’t start reading Chris Donald’s book, then everyone should be fine. I certanly don’t want to wake up in the morning to find a swarm of lemmings humping my car.

Mind you, I must admit that I’m going to be a little bit cautious next time I take my car in for an M.O.T.

Last night I went with a very tired Dave to see ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ being performed at the school I work at. It was actually very funny with some excellent performances. Dave was seriously freaking out though because he hasn’t slept much recently.

The school I work at is the same school that Dave used to attend as a student. During the interval he bumped into a few teachers that he remembered. Now for those of you who don’t know, Dave is a twin - and unfortunately for him, they all remembered him as his twin brother, Chris.

Dave was not happy, although fortunately his tiredness prevented him from having the energy to be angry or pissed off.

I’m pretty tired myself today. It seems as though the more time goes on, the less chance I get to catch up on my sleep. I’ve also been waking up in the most peculiar way recently. The last few mornings I’ve woken up as a weatherman!

Let me explain. My bed is essentially two matresses, one on top of the other, which lie directly on the floor. So in essence, I don’t actually have a bed but rather two matresses. This being the case, I’m actually very low to the floor.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my alarm clock is an old phone and it lies next to my matresses. When I’m lying in my bed I hit the snooze button by raising my arm out and pressing the button. So far, nothing seems wrong there.

Except, when I’m asleep I don’t realise I’m lying down. I am, in fact, standing up. When the alarm goes off, I realise there’s a storm coming and I indicate to all the viewers at home where the location of the storm is by moving my arm into the general direction against the bluescreen behind me. So, as I said, I wake up each morning as a weatherman. As for what I’ve been dreaming about the last few nights I’m not too sure, which is probably a safer option for me and a relief for you to not have to experience yet another one of my dreams.

However my tired state does seem to have me on edge today. Not to sound paranoid or anything, but I have this dodgy suspicion that a plane is going to crash land on the school and from the wreckage a giant goldfish will emmerge and demand our everlasting loyalty. And considering that yesterday, as I was driving to work, I had an odd feeling and thought to myself “it would be weird if a cop drove past right now” - only to drive around the corner and have a police car drive past - I think that my 6th sense may be correct. I don’t want to be enslaved by a race of goldfish - especially ones that don’t know how to fly a plane properly!

Then again, it might just be my tummy telling me I want food.

OMG - I went into Tesco the other day and saw what must be 300 easter eggs! Added to this shock was the torture I underwent knowing that I’ve given up chocolate for lent, thus restricting my ability to saviour one of the 300 easter eggs there. After telling my friend about it on the phone, I turned to my right to see what I can only describe as ANOTHER 300 easter eggs. Seriously, they must have easily over half a thousand in-store, if not more!

I’d love it if those easter eggs were all full of chickens. And then, at the appointed hour, an army of killer chickens could break free from their cardboard cages and slaughter all those that fired me all those years ago (yes I still hold a grudge for a job I didn’t even like). I think I’m just bitter because I re-read the very first few posts of this site over at http://archive.thechoad.com and it brought back how annoyed I was that they ruinied Christmas.

In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about how this site started. Like for instance how it was originally just me trying to keep a diary of how stupidly clumsy I can be at times so that I could look back and see for myself. I’ve never been good at writing diaries but the concept of blogging just made it so much simpler - especially as I can type far faster than I can write by hand. After people started reading it and saying they found it funny, that’s when I decided to redo the site from scratch and have it as you see it now.

Then I had plans to do comics which hasn’t really happened. It will do eventually but it will be a while before I get the chance - plus I could really do with getting a graphics tablet to simplify the process (scanning in hand-drawn sketches only to redraw over them just becomes a pain in the ass).

As time went on the idea of podcasting came into my head for some reason and after a very rocky first episode, ‘The Choad Show’ was born! I would now like to make an official announcement - not one that’s kind of “this is what we’d like” but rather “this is our goal and what we are going to do”;

The Choad Show is evolving.

As I’ve stated before, we’re working on scripts for some sketches to feature in some episodes (something we planned in the first season but didn’t really get a chance to do) and we’ve got a couple more bands interested in having their music featured.

Whilst all that is old news, one thing I’m announcing is that I’ve decided to put some money into The Choad Show. The site itself is all non-profit and comes out of my own pocket - but so far the spending is just on the domain name and hosting. Soon I will be putting money towards increasing the sound quality of the show to make it sound more professional, as well as (later down the line) opening an online store with various choadtastic items such as clothing, mugs, etc (we already have a load of ideas for them).

Obviously to do so isn’t going to be cheap. I want to avoid using banner advertising (as I’ve never liked it and unlike most websites these days, I would like TheChoad.com to remain banner-free for as long as is feasibly possible), so what I might be considering soon is a paypal donation scheme. I’m not going to do so until Season 2 has started (as I don’t think that would be fair) but if I do and you feel like you’d like to donate then all proceeds will go towards the running of the site and The Choad Show. I’ll also see if I can come up with some special reward of some sort for those who donate to make it worth your while.

Before the show started, Dave and I were just that, Dave and I. Since the show started, it’s become a part of our lives - a thing we enjoy doing and feel compelled to do. It’s almost as though The Choad Show has taken control and we’re excited about Season 2 and almost as gutted as some of you that it hasn’t started yet - but we’re hoping that you’ll find that the wait has been worth it.

But because the show is now a part of who we are, it’s something that we’re embracing on a conscious level and I personally want to treat it as less of a hobby and more like a part-time job by putting a lot more of my time and energy into it.

This is probably the last I’ll mention of this change for a while, but I just want to re-assure you that whilst it doesn’t seem like much is going on, there’s actually so much going on which is the reason Season 2 hasn’t aired yet. The site is going to get a complete overhaul for the second time and whilst I haven’t decided if I’ll keep or ditch the current look and style, it will definitely be improved under the hood and there’ll be a lot more information about The Choad Show including a proper episode guide, information on guests and featured music, as well as making it even easier to listen to the show by making it playin your browser whilst keeping the current download options available.

So basically lots of work to do using what little free time I have at the moment.

And no chocolate.

Bloody lent…